...Pants on Fire!

I'm a bad liar. It's not that I don't try, it's just that I have troubles keeping my story straight. I once told the most elaborate lie ever so that I could go and see my boyfriend for 10 minutes and then I couldn't remember the details and I totally ended up getting caught. (Oh yeah, I totally buckle under pressure as well). This is why I have such a fear of hotel authority. I am in constant fear of getting questioned about how many people really ARE in the room.  ("No we can't ask for extra towels! They'll know there are 6 of us in here!!!")  Another reason is that my facial expressions always give everything away. This is either the best reason to go shopping with me or the worst...depending on how much you want to buy something. You can ask my sisters. I just cannot hide my displeasure on my face (even if I think I'm doing a good job of it). This is a scary thing for me - being able to control how I feel about something, but not being able to match the feeling in my facial expression. Also, I'm very bad at thinking on my feet. That's why I suck at interviews or comebacks. I always think of something clever to say after the fact, which doesn't help me at all. Then I dwell on the fact that I could've said something brilliant if they had only asked me via email. But the slow-on-the-feet thinking definitely doesn't help when someone asks for your opinion on say, a hideous top or hairstyle. You know the saying "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all?" Well, this is not really the best advice. Sometimes to be kind, I will pretend I never heard them asking. But again, the look on my face will give me away, so it doesn't matter.  

Sometimes I just say "Is dat what you like?" Which pretty much tells them to put it back on the rack and walk away. I got that last saying from my mom. When I  went on my search for the perfect wedding dress and found The One, I called my mom excitedly and said "I found it! I found it!". And so the following Saturday my mom came with me to the Bridal salon, excited and giddy. I watched enough of "Wedding Story" and other sappy movies to know that when a daughter puts on the wedding dress for the first time, her mother will be in tears with the realization that her little girl is growing up and becoming a woman. In anticipation of this, I even packed a big wad of kleenex in my purse. I had the wedding saleslady help me in the changeroom, so that I could come out dramatically and my mom could have the full effect. As I took one last look at myself in the mirror, I smiled and thought "Yes. She will LOVE it." I opened the door, my face glowing with the expectation of admiration and my mom looked at me and said... "Is dat what you like?"

There were no tears, no "You look beautiful!". Just... "Is dat what you like?" (the sound of a balloon deflating...)

Seeing my disappointment she quickly tried to recover and said "Oh, it's nice." (Never mind mom!) My mother also cannot hide her facial expressions (which is obviously where I get it from). She was trying to smile, but she still had the "I think..no."face. Oh mother.

I ended up throwing the wad of kleenex in the trash. 

Anyhoo. So basically what I'm trying to tell you is that I cannot tell a lie. For real. I'm not lying. It's just not possible. Really.